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My friend is an older gal and is married to a guy 10 yrs older. He was self employed for years, never paid much into Social Security as a result and now she is supporting him. They have been married for 25 yrs. What do you suggest for her as she is not a happy camper. I feel sorry for women who have to support their husbands who don't /won't/can't work.

Concerned in CC

Dear CC

Ah, the season of discontent can be quite long - and at times unbearable. And, for some it can be difficult to cope with a spouse who is aging faster than they are and/or who might be not as well or agile. So, a 10+ year age difference can become problematic for the much younger spouse as time marches on. That being recognized and understood, let's flip the roles. How would she feel if she thought that he felt the way she did/does? What if the husband were the one tired of supporting the wife? Isn't it a bit archaic to think that the man always has to be the main and/or sole support of a family? And, yes, two people DO constitute a family. I question your friend's intentions and motivation for marrying her husband. Did/does she view him as a "success symbol"? Does she have a "tit-for-tat" view of marriage - "if he does this then I'll do that"? Or worse, a "what's in it for me" attitude? Unless they wrote and recited their own customized vows, I seem to recall something to the effect of "richer, poorer, sickness, health, good times, bad times, etc...." being promised. Where is the deep, unconditional love for him in her heart that should sustain her through the rough times and that she promised to give to him?

Being unhappy does not constitute grounds for breaking marriage vows - really, it does not. The only ethical/moral reasons for ending a marriage are in the event(s) of: abuse, adultery, addiction and/or abandonment. And, even these events (abuse is the exception) don't necessarily require the ending of a marriage if remedial measures can be taken, but are the only valid reasons. Why? Because happiness/unhappiness ebbs and flows with life and in all relationships and because people of character keep their word and their promises. Plus, your friend has a 25 year history of living, learning and loving that can never be reclaimed or duplicated with another person. This alone is worth more than words can express and is something that so many others would love to have. So, please encourage your friend to be a person of character. Society needs many more people willing to keep and willfully keeping their word. And, that is what your friend should do.

Dear Medora,
I'm getting married in 19 days.....Any suggestions for a gift for the future wife to be.

Signed, Ump Your Out

Dear Ump,
Whatever you give her, it need not be expensive. However, it does need to be symbolic and meaningful to either you or her or preferably both. And, only you know what that might be - or you SHOULD know. If not, pay more attention to your bride's hopes, dreams and desires. What do YOU think she would find meaningful, thoughtful and touching? I'll bet you already know the answer - so act on that. I doubt she'll be disappointed. Best of luck in finding the right gift.

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