ask Medora Advice Archive
Dear Medora,
It just breaks my heart to see what my best friend is going through. After a long marriage of 25 years she and her husband decided to divorce. They are both good Christian people. She stood by him and helped him through medical school. He is very successful and a good provider, but he is emotionally unavailable to her and she feels so much alone. They have one child in college. As soon as she decided to move out a friend set her husband up with a blind date. Needless to say, this woman immediately latched on to him, as he is a very good catch. She is divorced and has at best a questionable reputation. He has not dated anyone else in over 25 yrs and now is talking of marriage to this woman. Is this normal?Signed, Virginia
Dear Virginia,
It IS hard to see a close friend going through painful struggles in life. It sounds like your friend might be regretting her decision to get a divorce as he does indeed sound like "good catch". And, if he is, my question is, why did she throw him back into the pond? My experience and observation has been that men usually have no problem finding another mate after a divorce OR death. Particularly if they are a "good catch" and - as a good friend of mine says - "they have all of their teeth and hair". In fact, friends usually DO have someone that they want to introduce to a newly single man as they are far outnumbered by single women. As far as the suddenness of a new relationship - there could be several reasons and explanations. But, perhaps he was feeling lonely too and finding comfort, solace and someone with whom he could connect was a blessing for him.
Men in general will "check out" of a relationship emotionally if they feel unloved, disrespected and/or unappreciated, which could explain his purported "emotional unavailability". Also, if your friend made her husband feel like a "success symbol" ("he is successful and a good provider") rather than a loved and cherished spouse, that could further explain his emotional withdrawal and they probably would not be divorced. One important truth: even while unhappy and "checked out", men of character - and women of character - will still stay true to their marriage vows. Why? Because people of character do not renege on promises nor do they cheat on their spouses.When a man DOES feel loved, respected, appreciated and admired, wild horses couldn't drag him away from the woman in his life. The "queen of a man's heart", therefore, MUST make him feel like "the king" of hers. I've never, ever seen a marriage fail when there is that kind of symbiotic relationship between husband and wife. So, perhaps this is what he has found with his new love - and, yes, it is quite normal.
Dear Medora,
A co-worker constantly complains about our supervisor, who isn't a great leader or even a particularly nice guy, but who nevertheless is the guy in charge. Since there is no point in complaining, how do I get the co-worker to improve her attitude, or at least keep her gripes to herself?Tired of Hearing It, Trenton, NJ
Dear Tired of Hearing It,
Your co-worker probably doesn't realize how she sounds and is venting her frustrations to anyone she thinks will listen to her. So, since you are one of those she complains to, the only thing you have in your control is whether you listen to her or not. So how do you not listen to her? Well, I think the kindest way to do this is to explain to her that talking about your supervisor just makes you feel bad/sad/depressed. etc. And, since you don't like feeling that way, you'd rather talk about almost anything except his deficiencies so that YOU can remain in a positive frame of mind. Tease her by saying that if she starts complaining about him again, you are going to respond with "how about those Cowboys?" which will be your BIG hint that you want to change the subject. And, then do so - talk about the weather, your upcoming manicure, etc. Unless she's dumber than dirt OR just really annoying, she'll get the message and either find another victim upon whom to unload her gripes OR laugh....and change the subject.
Dear Medora,
I have been married for 17 years and have had a very poor sex life. For many years I blamed myself for this. But as time passed I have come to realize that my spouse is asexual. Due to many reason kids etc. , I’m not in a position to leave my spouse at this time. Do you perhaps have tips for living with an asexual spouse?Anonymous, Wichitah, KS
Dear Anonymous,
First of all, I am so very sorry for you. It isn't fair to have to endure a sexless marriage, but it does happen and other people do manage to cope. The best advice I can give you is to find someone with whom you can confide this so that you can get another perspective and insight into the situation - particluarly if you are staying in the marriage for the sake of children. A professional counselor or clergyperson would be your best bet as it sounds like you need some coping "tools". Friends and family might not be able to give you the "tools" you need to cope with this and if you and your spouse ever resolve this, they will be reluctant to forgive and forget - which can make things awkward, to say the least. Second, assuming that you are still upholding your marriage vows, please continue to do so. Too often, folks in your situation are understandably tempted. I've never seen it work out well - especially when children are involved. So, while it's hard and isn't fair, but since you have decided to stay married, hang in there and continue to live an honorable life. I've observed that - while it may seem like an eternity - things do eventually work out for people with good hearts and intentions.... really.
Dear Medora,
My brother is getting married for the "4th" time. He wants everyone to attend the wedding, but it's far away and money is tight right now. How do I not offend him by missing his fourth nuptial?Signed, Far Away Sister, Portland, OR
Dear Far Away,
As simple as this sounds, just be candid with your brother and tell him as much as you would like to be there to help him celebrate, you simply can't afford the travel expenses. In the interest of family harmony, don't bring up the fact that it is his "4th" time - to do so would be unkind. Besides - who knows? If he really wants you there, he may offer to help pay for the trip, if he can afford it. If not, send a heartfelt card and a gift, if you can afford one, and invite him and his new bride to come visit you when possible.
Dear Medora,
Many men seem to find me attractive, but I seem to find myself in a dead end marriage with no options. Perhaps, I'm just an idiot or expect to much. I really don't know which way is up anymore. Help!Signed, Lost and Alone, Tuscon, AZ
Dear Lost and Alone,
My heart aches for the pain you must be feeling. It sounds like you have a lot going on in your life/marriage right now and when one finds themselves in that situation, the last thing needed would be to add another complication - like responding to another man's attention. I sense that you are confused and vulnerable - as do others, I suppose. And, there are certain types of men who prey on women in these circumstances. Please stay away from them. I believe you would benefit from the services of a competent counselor - preferably someone who has been referred - who could help you sort through the things that are concerning you at this time.If you are a member of a church or synagogue, start there. If not, perhaps a friend or relative could offer a referral. And, you need not give friends/relatives any more details than you are willing to share - only that you'd like to talk with a professional.
However you find someone, I strongly urge you to do so as I also strongly believe in the power of having someone listen to you, hear you and help guide you as you work through those things causing you anxiety. Along with this advice, I'm sending you a BIG hug.
Dear Medora,
I work in an office cube environment. One of my co-workers seems to feel that it is perfectly acceptable to let out a loud belch out of the blue throughout the day. It's distracting and rude. How do I approach her to stop?Signed, Fed Up, Houston, TX
Dear Fed Up,
Depending on how brave you are, you could say something like, "well brought up - it's a pity you weren't!". However, in the interest of office politics and because I would never seriously advocate being rude in return for rudeness, I would suggest you talk to someone in human resources about this. After they recover from a fit of laughter and see that you are serious, discuss the best way to resolve this issue while still keeping the offending belcher's dignity intact. Your company might even have a written procedure on how to handle something of this nature. So, begin there, and if HR can't resolve the issue, write back and I'll make some other, polite, suggestions.
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